The Doing

Me. In a nutshell.

  

Welcome. 

Saturday evening. Still out, as if nature had held her breath knowing what was to come.
I was home alone. Enough time to think and rethink, then analyze those thoughts and think some more. If I haven't been quite honest with you, you know very well that my mind is the very switch to my destruction. 
The faint sound of a ringing mobile phone on the other end. A mobile phone that's cry is deliberately being ignored. That what my mind concludes, at least. Nobody wants to talk to me. I have become a burden to those I have called "friend". My sources of refuge from this formidable life I live have turned their heels on me and left the vultures to pick at my flesh until the ferocious pain makes its may from the outside in. To collide with its already existent brethren. He who has lived, eaten and slept with me for these unbearable days.
The Plan.
Get out. I have to leave, I have to feel wanted once more. My perpetual loneliness must come to an end. I cannot. Tonight, I must leave. 9pm already. No plans made of to whom I am going to and where. But what I know, is that my head shall not rest one more night on the pillow that banks my tears.
Enough is enough.
I have reached, possibly even far exceed the tolerance that I have trained myself to stomach.
This place I call home is sucking my life force by the minute. Tears don't seem to comfort me any long. Nothing, nothing can ever sooth this pain.

I inform them that I am leaving. They decide that tonight, is the appropriate time to call me out. 
Scatter of emotions right there and then. If I had been cast in a motion picture as the leading actress, at that very moment I would have called cut. Just a moment to gather the few pieces of my heart, and head and sleep over it. Quite a fantasy.

Unfortunately though, I was in actual time and this performance was happening live.

I lost it. I never quite "lose" it so this was new to me as well. I keep shit in, that's just who I am.
Drunk with anger I began to call them out, my parents. Cursing the day the Lord breathed life into me. Blaming them for not having offed me in infancy. All the while gathering my shit. Leaving. Not knowing where to go, but leaving nonetheless.

Gone.
Jubilance awaits. 

Left that shit behind me.
Out
-Gran(^•^)Dad

Late Nights

 Welcome.

Insomnia. 

It isn't just a word, instead it's a blood sucking leech. I've been tossing and turning now for about 7 hours. I can't stop, it can't stop.Talking to me, my brain. Filling me with false hopes and insane suggestions. Broadcasting stories and reminding me of old faces. Faces that haunt me. Faces I would not fancy visualizing again. Unfortunately though, I cannot escape. I cannot physically escape my mind.

 It's minion,

my conscience,

work quite well in inducing long strenuous nights. Specially designed to torture their host. I cannot escape.

So I write.

I sit here in the dark and write in the hope that I wear it out, thus hopefully resulting in an almost instant sleep.It takes time though ,to carefully manipulate your own mind. It requires a series of blind spots and layouts that your own mind can't help but fall to.

That's it.

I've gone mad.

Then again, I was always mad. The difference now is, this time I am more comfortable sharing it to the rest of the world.

Anyway.

Updates. 

Nosey and I have decided to try the friendship route before entanglement of both parties becomes a hassle. I am not quite on board with this suggestion, but for a change. I will allow it.

Currently I am rather irritated at him. He has a nasty habit of ignoring me. If there are things on this revolting planet that I cannot stomach. Is in fact being ignored. As if he does not even recognize me as a human being, as if I have no emotions. As if I am OKAY with a reply days after my response to him. For FUCK SAKES. As if I don't beat myself up enough!

Sigh.

Am I over reacting.

Possibly 

For now though,

I still suffer. 

-Gran(^•^)Dad

The Reminising

         Welcome, Reader.

Interior. Bedroom - Night. During this particularly still evening, amidst the chilly hours of the early morning I lay in bed thinking about my one and only True Love, Buma. The son I have not fully stopped mourning. To be honest I never will.
I will not go too much into detail since this is such a fragile topic of choice to me, but I will say that the void, cannot and will NEVER be filled. This is not, by any chance a form of hyperbole. Rather it is a very bold statement. A clarification, if you will.
It has finally dawned unto me, a piercing realization has unveiled itself. I have already had my one shot at love. Euphoric days those were, blessed with the presence of my beady Buma. Those being the best 6 years of my life. Enough love, given, received and reciprocated to last 10 lifetimes by my lad!

P.S
Nosey, is no longer a part of my gloomy life. His temporary acquaintance has come to an end.  The honor of appearing on this blog, eradicated form here onwards. I had put him on a pedestal I guess. Obviously, no good coming of it. He just wasn't worth it. Any of it! No human is. It's a pity though, I really thought things were looking up...

The bleeding. Continues. Playing it's part in soothing what's left of my heart. Although mending, out of the question. A false momentary sanity takes over me. 
My mind. 
The very self-destructive powerhouse of this perpetual despair.

I can't help but think, I do need help. But then again, I cannot be cured. This darkness, it has become a part of me. Old friends, they try to show me. A colorful path that I should be leading on. Their attempts to unfold the beauty that life holds, only makes me question it even more. Though theologically making sense, I can't help but fall back. I know it's true, I know it all is.
But.
I cannot simply erase what I feel, who I have become. I'm so sick of all of this shit!
I know this blog should be more upbeat and chipper. These things I know, my inability to comply with modern day standards had already fallen unto me months prior from this day. 

Instead I am left to romp in a poetic pool of ongoing melancholy.

- Gran(^•^)Dad

It Continues

Greetings, Readers.


The thoughts, they're back. Back to haunt me with their judgments and insensitivity.
I should finish what I started, right. This has dragged on for too long. I keep devising reasons to dodge the bullet.
Here I lay, in bed. Peacefully. In the rut that brings me much comfort. When it happened. It all came back to me. Why am I still here? 
"The fuck dude!" echoes in my  mind as the monologue continues. This time around though, I have a valuable excuse to further delay 'The Grand Event'. I am pleased to say that Nosey and I have a date coming up on Sunday. So I keep my chin up because I know my slice of happy awaits me.
I know I may come across as "weak" at this point since my soul happiness lies in the hands of Nosey, but this oncoming event just happens to be the highlight of my MONTH.

Shamefully.
-Gran(^•^)Dad