The Last Entry

The Revelation 


So I wrote this a month ago.
Still indecisive though

Welcome 

 Reader


You may have heard through the grapevine, maybe even by word of mouth of this paralyzing entry. Of how I, willingly and above all courageously (at least in my own eyes) took my own life and skillfully documented the entire ordeal.

Worry not, I am not know to disappoint my readers. This here is a detailed breakdown of what lead me to my independent self disposal.

Many of you may not have been aware but I have been suffering from severe depression for months now, and have gladly taken to being a self proclaimed 'Forever Alone'. A lifestyle of loneliness and despair. Where I roam the surface of mother earth, marinating in self pity. Day after day, after day. Sadly being accompanied by non other than my lone self. What lead me to this unfortunate safe haven of mine, was my continuous failure in love. Time and again I give a piece of myself, my emotions (which I find very hard to share) to an unworthy recipient. Only to have them, as fragile as they are, trampled on and ridiculed. It's not that I "love" too easy. It's just, being unwanted has me questioning the reason of life. Thus, I have accepted that it is not possible for another human being to "love" me as I am unlovable. Those that do love me I cause nothing but heartache. Emotion wise=Fucked!

My one true love, Buma. My handsome 8 year old canine son. To my despair, is no more. I join today. The perfect love story don't you think. Beautiful. An eternal slumber with my baby is by far better than this so called "life" I live.



As if I hadn't kicked myself enough. La Familia finds it necessary to remind me of my life failures and continue to ridicule my "way of life" and so fourth. Their constant cries of "Rebel" and "Satanist" seem to comfort them during their futile 'interventions' as they frown upon my being. They always seem to speak negatively of me and insist on forcing their ways of worship upon me. I sit. I sit and I listen because that's all I can do. No comments, no arguments. I take my accusations and labels, after all they are "MY" markings. So I sit, and I take it. They have made it clear that I need to be who they want me to be, or else I can forget anything from them. Alcoholism is their topic of choice, many a times they shower me with this diagnosis. After isolation and hours on end of counting sadness, I don't see how indulging in my juices of choice is so bad. But God forbid I drink. Unreasonable fuckn people.

Now that I am socially retarded, incapable of communicating with the modern day young adult.I am left permanently mentally parched. Day after day, routine after routine I am proud to say that is no life to live. These confessions are merely spur of the moment, but I will always be like this. I am not compatible with human beings. Therefore I have failed in life. I cannot run from this life, had I chosen to go on I would be stuck with la familia, stuck in depression.


Just this morning I awoke from my slumber in tears. Can you even begin to fathom the depth of this cause? Dreams. In my dream, I sat in a bubble filled bathtub weeping sorrowfully. I was so hurt, so alone that the cries of my dreams awoke me in tears. My dreams were my refuge.That is no longer the case. My dreamland is now reality. 

I despise this "story" that I am destined to live. I have no other story too live. The only people I have: la familia have made it very clear that without them I am incapable of survival. Maybe they're right. With them it's hell. I feel as though there was some sort of a placement problem when I was created. Some shit-face out there has my mother-fucking family! I love my family, don't get me wrong. They're all I've known. But let's just say if they weren't my family I'd despise the living shit outta them.

As much as I feel this way, I have no one to ease the pain. Absolutely NOBODY. No friends, nothing. I cannot live like this. I don't wish this life on my worst enemy.

Last year, during the peak of my happiness. One would smack you straight across the face if they heard I was "sad". Gone are those Happy Days. Blissful days that welcomed me with daily warm embraces! Unfortunately 2014 is the inverse of last year. Year of anguish.

Nonetheless I write this entry today as a farewell to those who where blessed enough to know me, but ignored me at a time I needed them most.
I'd do it again tomorrow and the day after that if it meant I had to go through this again. You know, when a fellow human being has such little (if not, none existent) happiness in their life, that thoughts of "leaving it all behind" soothes them. This option is the only option they have. NOT seem to have...but....ACTUALLY have!

I wouldn't call what I've done suicide, but rather causally leaving a story. Those that knew me well, knew me for being an wise storyteller. And so I gracefully conclude my life story.
It was never meant to be.

My faith now only lies in reincarnation. My religion detests it. I however have space for hope. Hope of a different story. A well fitting story. A more accepting story.

Therefore I can confidently say:
None of you should set foot at my funeral! You bitches didn't have time for me when my heart still beat. I don't want you there!!! 

If u insist though (although highly non recommended)  puff away in my name!


Farewell Reader,
thank you for giving me a moment of your time.

Grandad
   (^•^)