Confusion

Reader....

Time has flown by. It comes and goes. Still, I am trapped. I pass time on the Internet, browsing my favorite websites and engaging in casual conversations with those who enjoy my cyber personal. Aiding me, far more than they think. Majority of the time, I insist on having a jolly and upbeat conversation. Often dancing around the life of the textee. Trying by all means to deviate any ideas which require me to give an update of how courteous the universe has been towards me. I do this well, I suppose, since nobody notices. We laugh and exchange laughter . To them I am genuine. In actuality I hide my inner darkness. One more soul need not know the extent of my depression.

In other news, I have stepped out of my shell of distrust and taken on a particular lad of my interest. To whom, for the purpose of this venting, will from here onwards be referred to as Nosey. As the name would suggest, the action of being nosey is in fact quite the contrary. I brand him so, only because he has the most gorgeous nose my pretty little eyes have ever seen!
Things with Nosey and I, seem to be "complicated". I haven't know him for long and since I have a relationship track record from hell. I'd be dammed to jinx my possible budding relationship.
To my disapproval, Nosey occasionally visits my blog.
Aye, indeed he does. Hence, I honestly would not be surprised if I scared the living shit out of him! On the upside, he is still around. Though I think this is so because he doesn't want to "end" things with me, therefore adding to my depression. I know these things you see, I can tell.
Is this it? 
My last attempt for happiness is nothing but forced affection. 
He swears his love for me is legitimate. I however disagree . I'm not sure if Nosey is trying to lure me into some sort of a sadistic emotionally slaughter house. 

Trust Issues.
Fuck.

I don't think Nosey deserves to deal with all of my bullshit. Not a single soul does. For fucks sake neither do I!
I cannot expect anyone else to drown with me.

Willingly. 

On the upside, Nosey has honored me with the gift of blissfulness. Even if it does last a handful of minutes. This occasional minuscule time frame has ignited something within me, something I thought could not be achieved.
Hope.
That maybe, just maybe. Happiness may exist in this demonic sphere we are situated on.

Maybe there is hope in humanity.

Positive thoughts, no?
Indeed. Though at this point in my progression. Life, like clockwork, is bound to show me how cruel and devious it truly can be.

Grandad.

Failed Attempt

Fellow Readers

Well its been about 4 days now in my attempt of calling things off.

I tried. 

I sliced.

I bled.

I'm beginning to be enticed by the taste of my own blood. It tastes of freedom. Liberty. An escape route. I am quit fond of it. It's more comforting than you'd think.

Bandaged up now I feel more useless and incapable than I ever have.

I failed.

Again.

Yet another disappoint that I must wake up with once more.

So I slice...Opening the flood gates of the crimson liquid that holds my fate. Looking at it makes the disappointment go away. Its blissful and appealing to me.

The warmth is comforting.

So I continue.

Sometimes I think back to when life was simpler, when I was younger. Naive.

I didn't see the point. Like most of you do.

"Why would you not want to live anymore, if that thing (whatsoever) has really got a toll on you. Then get out, talk to someone. Get help.

Better yet those feelings of despair will pass, and you will return to your normal self".

Sounds legit. I'm not going to deny that it does make sense. 

But.

Not once did I think that I could feel this way. It is incredibly different when you're on the outside.

But inside, I am completely engulfed in an abyss of darkness. Consuming me alive.

I don't have another choice. I can never recover from this. I will carry these emotions inside of me forever.

Which I cannot do. I am already in hell, I am not about to extend my sentence. I must reduce it. I need to get out of here.

 A couple of weeks ago my father hired me, to work for him in his logistics business. 

You may think that this was a positive maneuver. I think not.

When I would arise in at the crack of dawn, with certain duties to fulfill I become angered with my own actions.

I saw no logical reason to arise.Why am I getting up? Why am I beginning to get attached and consumed by this pointless lifestyle of man. Why am I being a part of society?

It kills me, that because I have something to look forward to I am in fact destroying what I stand for.

Life is stupid, it's useless. Pointless.I don't want to be a part of it in any way or form.

Being occupied with something makes me feel some sort of an attachment or bond to life. Thus going against my very distinct motto.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I want nothing more but to be no longer here. These feelings are so matured,so concentrated, that If ever I oppose I feel a lot worse than I ever have.

Long story short. I stopped waking up. I just lie in bed now. Uncommitted to anything.

Somewhat a sense of comfort in my burden of a soul. Still I cannot bear it. Waking up. Facing the world.

The moment I open my eyes, before I realize what I am. That golden moment between sleep and consciousness. A blissful emptiness.

It is all I look forward to each and everyday. Before I realize my story, and who I am. Then it hits me with a thump.

"FUCK .I WOKE UP"!!!

So I bleed. Internally and Externally.

It only seems appropriate.

Don't you think.

Then again, fuck your opinion.

Thank you for reading.

Grandad.

The Aftermath

Salutations Readers

 Welcome once again to my very odd and twisted blog. Surprised to be reading this.Yeah well so am I.The Delayed act of suicide was/is (as I am still indecisive) caused by non other than my thick African locks. Thats right, I vowed not to leave mother earth with my hair disorganized . Hahaha weak excuse? Not! Seriously, I figured the undertaker will be struck dumb in regards to handling  my fro so I need it to be at its peak of perfection before my departure.

Or maybe not.

The longer I wait for THE ultimate fro, the more I start to give life a chance once more. I'm starting to find a reason to live onwards. 

My Hair. 

During the period of my previous entry I had nothing to live for. Nothing to smile to. Absolutely no reason to wake up in the morning. Often praying not to wake up at all. Although these thoughts and emotions haven't changed much, my hair holds me back. You see, I visualize my cold copse arranged on my place of rest. Winni the Pooh bedding smiling up at me, giving me the farewell I deserve. My feet tightened by my favorite pair of black size 2 Tommy's. Best outfit on. Looking fresh as fuck. Majestically,i will close my eyes on one of Buma's precious portraits and take the angel of death by hand as I WILLINGLY Walk towards the light.

Charming and very much ideal from where I'm standing.

I wouldn't mind still, if I did not awake tomorrow morning. A day off of this planet is a blessed day indeed. Actually I wish I wasn't created. I wish I never roamed this God forsaken world to interact with man. A creature that I will despise even in my old age.

Remember, I am not bitter.  

Rather, I do not understand creation is all.

Why couldn't He just create the chosen few in the exact number of 144 000?Why must the rest of the unchosen live a worthless life, only to be dammed to an eternal fire. I am God fearing, the good Lord knows I am.

But

Can't we just cut the useless "earth living " and cut to what really matters....Who's gonna make it. Because in my eyes waking up in the morning, eating, bathing and selling 8 hours of your life to the White Collar Corporation (this is not a racist comment you fucker) for what, because it doesn't matter. It doesn't count! The fraction of time spend on this bullshit planet doesn't compare to the magnitude of one's true placement. It's not worth it. It's all not worth it. I wish I was never created. I don't like this  Test, but I'll be graded for it either way.

Useless.

Life.

Yet still I breath, live on.

Grow faster hair, please don't be a hero!

Update yal soon.

Out

-Grandad

The Last Entry

The Revelation 


So I wrote this a month ago.
Still indecisive though

Welcome 

 Reader


You may have heard through the grapevine, maybe even by word of mouth of this paralyzing entry. Of how I, willingly and above all courageously (at least in my own eyes) took my own life and skillfully documented the entire ordeal.

Worry not, I am not know to disappoint my readers. This here is a detailed breakdown of what lead me to my independent self disposal.

Many of you may not have been aware but I have been suffering from severe depression for months now, and have gladly taken to being a self proclaimed 'Forever Alone'. A lifestyle of loneliness and despair. Where I roam the surface of mother earth, marinating in self pity. Day after day, after day. Sadly being accompanied by non other than my lone self. What lead me to this unfortunate safe haven of mine, was my continuous failure in love. Time and again I give a piece of myself, my emotions (which I find very hard to share) to an unworthy recipient. Only to have them, as fragile as they are, trampled on and ridiculed. It's not that I "love" too easy. It's just, being unwanted has me questioning the reason of life. Thus, I have accepted that it is not possible for another human being to "love" me as I am unlovable. Those that do love me I cause nothing but heartache. Emotion wise=Fucked!

My one true love, Buma. My handsome 8 year old canine son. To my despair, is no more. I join today. The perfect love story don't you think. Beautiful. An eternal slumber with my baby is by far better than this so called "life" I live.



As if I hadn't kicked myself enough. La Familia finds it necessary to remind me of my life failures and continue to ridicule my "way of life" and so fourth. Their constant cries of "Rebel" and "Satanist" seem to comfort them during their futile 'interventions' as they frown upon my being. They always seem to speak negatively of me and insist on forcing their ways of worship upon me. I sit. I sit and I listen because that's all I can do. No comments, no arguments. I take my accusations and labels, after all they are "MY" markings. So I sit, and I take it. They have made it clear that I need to be who they want me to be, or else I can forget anything from them. Alcoholism is their topic of choice, many a times they shower me with this diagnosis. After isolation and hours on end of counting sadness, I don't see how indulging in my juices of choice is so bad. But God forbid I drink. Unreasonable fuckn people.

Now that I am socially retarded, incapable of communicating with the modern day young adult.I am left permanently mentally parched. Day after day, routine after routine I am proud to say that is no life to live. These confessions are merely spur of the moment, but I will always be like this. I am not compatible with human beings. Therefore I have failed in life. I cannot run from this life, had I chosen to go on I would be stuck with la familia, stuck in depression.


Just this morning I awoke from my slumber in tears. Can you even begin to fathom the depth of this cause? Dreams. In my dream, I sat in a bubble filled bathtub weeping sorrowfully. I was so hurt, so alone that the cries of my dreams awoke me in tears. My dreams were my refuge.That is no longer the case. My dreamland is now reality. 

I despise this "story" that I am destined to live. I have no other story too live. The only people I have: la familia have made it very clear that without them I am incapable of survival. Maybe they're right. With them it's hell. I feel as though there was some sort of a placement problem when I was created. Some shit-face out there has my mother-fucking family! I love my family, don't get me wrong. They're all I've known. But let's just say if they weren't my family I'd despise the living shit outta them.

As much as I feel this way, I have no one to ease the pain. Absolutely NOBODY. No friends, nothing. I cannot live like this. I don't wish this life on my worst enemy.

Last year, during the peak of my happiness. One would smack you straight across the face if they heard I was "sad". Gone are those Happy Days. Blissful days that welcomed me with daily warm embraces! Unfortunately 2014 is the inverse of last year. Year of anguish.

Nonetheless I write this entry today as a farewell to those who where blessed enough to know me, but ignored me at a time I needed them most.
I'd do it again tomorrow and the day after that if it meant I had to go through this again. You know, when a fellow human being has such little (if not, none existent) happiness in their life, that thoughts of "leaving it all behind" soothes them. This option is the only option they have. NOT seem to have...but....ACTUALLY have!

I wouldn't call what I've done suicide, but rather causally leaving a story. Those that knew me well, knew me for being an wise storyteller. And so I gracefully conclude my life story.
It was never meant to be.

My faith now only lies in reincarnation. My religion detests it. I however have space for hope. Hope of a different story. A well fitting story. A more accepting story.

Therefore I can confidently say:
None of you should set foot at my funeral! You bitches didn't have time for me when my heart still beat. I don't want you there!!! 

If u insist though (although highly non recommended)  puff away in my name!


Farewell Reader,
thank you for giving me a moment of your time.

Grandad
   (^•^)

Hi there

So I've been trying for a whole now to upload but u fuckn keep doing it wrong!

Why!!!